We often struggle to know what to do when a friend, colleague or relative loses a loved one through death.
It’s hard to know how to offer support and maybe afraid of saying the wrong thing or making your loved one feel even worse at such a difficult time- but don’t let discomfort prevent you from reaching out.
There are ways to support someone who is going through loss and if you find yourself tongue-tied or uncertain of what to do, here are some ideas to help you.
Listen
The most important help you can offer is a sympathetic ear. Allow the bereaved person to express their grief in whatever way they need; this may include crying, angry outbursts, expression of guilt and regret or by sharing memories. Simply being there and listening to them even when the same story is told with little variation over and over can be a huge source of comfort and healing. Unless you’re asked for your advice, don’t be quick to offer it. Don’t judge or dispute their responses to the death of a loved one- ‘you should cry’ or ‘it’s time to move on’ aren’t really helpful directions. If you can’t think of something to say, just offer eye contact, squeeze of the hand or a reassuring hug.
Help out
Don’t just say ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do’. That transfers the burden to the bereaved, and they may fear being a burden to others or simply be too depressed to reach out. Instead be specific when offering to help. Pitch in to clean up the kitchen. Take over some of their regular duties, such as picking up the kids from school. Bring over pre-cooked meals that only need to be reheated. You could say, ‘I’m going to Marikiti or Ngara market this afternoon. What can I bring you from there?’ Offer assistance with specific tasks you are in the position to help out with.
Reach out
You might feel the urge to hold back, out of fear that you’ll remind them of the bad news, but your friend or relative may need you even more after the first few weeks and months when other people may stop calling. Call to express your sympathy, check in every now and then just to say hello and offer reassuring hope that things will certainly get better.
You may leave the house of a bereaved friend or relative feeling like you did or said very little, but them, knowing you’re there can be comforting and your presence spoke volumes. Staying connected and available is more help for your friend than you’ll ever know.
