While the beginning of a potential new relationship will have you feeling all warm, fuzzy, and giddy inside for weeks or even months on end, we might lose sight of the most important thing every healthy relationship needs… Compatibility.
True compatibility in a relationship means that you are aligned when it comes to expectations and preferences on how you relate and how you want to be treated. You and your partner are considered compatible if you are similar when it comes to key patterns of relating with each other in key characteristics such as honesty, listening, communication, comprehension, vulnerability, respect, emotional availability, and empathy.
You are considered compatible when you and your partner are able to meet each other’s needs and align in terms of values, lifestyle, and preferences. These are the key ingredients that make a functional, healthy relationship that will likely stand the test of time.
With that said, it is important to mention that it takes time to assess true compatibility. While chemistry can be present pretty quickly, compatibility…not so much!
Grab a pen and paper and get to work! Below are 20 key questions that everyone in a potential relationship situation can ask themselves and honestly and truthfully answer them as well as they will help you assess the quality of the relationship.
- Does this person show a genuine interest in getting to know me? Do they ask me questions? Do they carve out time to spend with me?
- Do I really like this person or do I just want to be in a relationship?
- Is this person emotionally available? Do they share their feelings and lean in when I share mine? Or are they inconsistent, hot and cold, and only available on their terms?
- Do I feel confused, anxious, or uncertain about where I stand with this person, or do they make their intentions clear?
- Do we share the same core values (i.e. respect, vulnerability, communication, honesty)?
6. Do they respect my boundaries?
7. What are my relationship standards? Does this person meet those standards?
8. How do I feel when I’m around them? Calm, anxious, relaxed, uneasy?
9. Is this person willing and able to make some compromises?
10. Has this person shown themselves to be consistent and reliable over an extended period of time?
11. Do I feel comfortable sharing my needs within the relationship?
12. How does this person react when I express my needs? Do they respond in a way that I want my future partner to respond?
13. Do I have similar long-term relationship goals and preferences? i.e kids/no kids, marriage/no marriage…
14. Is this person empathetic? Are they someone I can rely on and trust for support if needed?
15. Does this person allow for healthy communication o take place. Can I communicate in a healthy, respectful, honest, direct, and with an open, non-judgmental mind, with this person…even/especially on difficult topics?
16. Is this person able to apologize, admit to their faults, and take accountability for their mistakes as opposed to deflecting or blaming me?
17. Do I feel safe expressing concerns, problems, or issues with the relationship?
18. Does this person have his/her own interests, passions, and goals outside of the relationship, and do they encourage me t d the same?
19. How does this person handle differences? Are they respectful and accepting of my perspective and preferences?
20. How does this person handle conflict? Are they able to be open-minded, listen, and seek to gain understanding? Or do they become defensive, withdrawn, belittling, or invalidating?
